Monday, August 31, 2015

August Favorites

I want to start sharing with you guys some of my favorite things every month.. For a few months until I get bored of it.
  • Biscoff European Cookie Spread - Creamy
    • Just buy this. I buy it at my local Walmart. It's like peanut butter, but no peanuts or protein just delicious crushed up cookies. People have been asking what I put it on so like apples or toast or whatever, but mostly I just put it on my finger.
  • Always... Patsy Cline
    • If you live in Oklahoma, make the drive to the Pollard Theatre in Guthrie, OK to see this musical. Completely based on a true story it showcases the magnificent Patsy Cline as well as a friendship she had with a woman named Louise. ALSO, if you do see it the drummer on stage is one of my real life friends! He slays up there y'all. Read more about it HERE. I haven't been able to stop humming "Walking After Midnight" since I saw it.
  • Gigi Gorgeous
    • I heard about this youtuber last week as she was a guest on Tyler Oakley's month of Auguest. Then, I started binge watching her videos. I randomly found some more collabs and finally settled upon the playlist - Story Time! These stories she has are hilarious and I really feel like we could be besties. She also does a lot of makeup videos that are great.
  •  Chicken Enchilada Casserole
    • Find the recipe HERE. I ate this dish five times in one week and still like it! It was great to bring to work and heat up for lunch. Myke really liked it too and I know we will be making this again. Some things I changed - no avocado, black beans instead of northern white, and sour cream instead of greek yogurt.
  •  Community
    • I have recently started watching this show on HULU. I am on season 1 episode 8 I think so literally fresh into it, but I already love the characters so much! Since I finally took the plunge and watched the final season of Parks and Rec, I've been searching for a new 30 minute show.
  •  Light Leaks on Afterlight
    • Afterlight is a photo editing app that is available for $1.99 in the Apple Store, Google Play, and also the Windows store. I love their filters, editing, cropping, and framing already but I recently (re)discovered light leaks! They have 78 "natural textures" available and I've been playing around with all of them lately! 
  • Green Tea Iced Tea Lemonade
    • Venti from Starbucks with light ice with two Splenda packages!
  • Here by Alessia Cara
What're you guys loving this month??

Until Next Time,
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Thursday, August 27, 2015

Let's Talk About Sex (and Self Esteem)

If you've been reading my blog for a while you know I had sex for the first time at age 20. I don't subscribe to the idea of "losing" your virginity because I don't believe it's something that's lost. Having sex for the first time is either a decision you make, something you're pressure into, or a choice that's taken from you. Now, that being said I wouldn't say I was "virginal" when I was younger. I had my first kiss when I was 14 and explored myself and others from that point on.

When I was younger I was under the impression that if someone wanted to "hook up" with me, that meant they liked me and that I was desirable. I had not the best self esteem but was confident in my ability as a kisser and so I used that to feel wanted. This sometimes led to being called "scandalous" or "promiscuous". (I think you guys know how I feel about slut shaming.) Even in this deluded sense of self I still tried to hide my body during sexual encounters. Let's turn off all the lights, wear most of my clothes, and don't worry about me - let's take care of you! This approach to sex obviously left me very unsatisfied.

When I graduated high school and got out of the small town bubble I started developing my sense of self. I went through many stages of fashion and showing (or hiding) my body. I started going to The Boom (an 18 to enter dance club in the "gay district" of OKC) and saw all different types of people just living. I also met Abigail, my suitemate turned roommate turned bff, who was just always completely herself. I started experimenting more with style and at that point I was just wearing what I wanted. Of course I wanted to feel good and look good, but I don't remember actively trying to "compliment my shape" or anything like that.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Suck It Up, Butter Cup

Being open to your emotions is exhausting. I used to feel guilty for reacting honestly basically for my entire adolescence. I do not get angry often. I get frustrated, irritated, disappointed, flustered, anxious, but anger - yelling, fighting, stomping tantrums are not my go to. I am a crier. When I feel any of the aforementioned emotions as well as exhaustion, happiness, love, depression, hurt - I cry. I cry at TV shows, but I also tear up at commercials. I cry at sweet notes, videos of puppies, babies taking their first step - I think you get the idea.

When I was younger I was called dramatic, fragile, overemotional, unstable, and was even told I was faking it a few times. I was told to "get over it," "man up," "act my age," and all other sorts of "hide your feelings" talk. Now, please keep in mind, I'm always very conscious of not "causing a scene." Not that this needs an explanation, but I try to keep my tears behind closed doors, in my car, in the bathroom stalls, etc. I have never bust out in tears at work unless I was happy. Most of the time these comments came from people I was trusting with my feelings. That always made it more of a shock because these were people I really loved.

Luckily, these comments and reactions never scared my feelings off. I'm 26 and I still cry a lot. Feelings are not something that we can change or control, they are things in our gut. We don't know where they come from and sometimes they don't make sense even to us. You have to trust yourself when it comes to emotions. What's not okay is ignoring your feelings to make someone else feel more comfortable. What's not okay is someone else telling you how to react. There are no bad feelings, no wrong feelings.

I used to apologize when I cried, tried to stop myself and hold back. Now the only time I hate my tears is when they're angry tears. It's the worst to be so frustrated and crying you sound like a blubbering mess and you know the other person thinks they hurt your feelings, but really you're just trying to stay rational and not say all the mean things and hit them.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Reflecting on my live in boyfriend/love of my life finally coming home after 14 days of being gone.

Okay, so first off if you don't know before Myke D I was basically single for 24 years. I had boyfriends yes, but never like "I don't ever want to be without you" boyfriends. The boyfriends/dates I had were like placeholders for when my friends were busy or couldn't afford something I wanted to do. Yes, I know I was a real peach. When Myke came along my whole world was shook up. How can someone be your best friend but also your lover and you also want everyone you know to meet him because he's amazing? Well, apparently that's love my friends.

Now, imagine you've found this mermaid unicorn magic called LOVE. You date for over a year and decide that you'd like to see each other every day - so you move in together. Then, after seven and a half months of waking up to that beautiful beard, it's snatched away from you to travel beyond the wall to the great white north. So for two weeks - FOURTEEN days - you are without said beard.

Well, it's a good thing I have other really amazing best friends and like a bomb family. The first weekend I stayed with my parents. I got to hang out my aunts as well and sleep in my old room. The first week was filled with dinners and movies. The second weekend my wifey and neph-dog stayed with me which was glorious. We binge watched Season 3 of Girls which I had been saving for us. I stayed alone too during the week and was a'okay watching whatever I wanted and eating weird stuff. All in all, I don't mind being alone.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Massages are strange.

From age 25-26, I knocked out four things on my 30 before 30 list and made a huge dent in another two. When I saw a groupon for a 60 minute Swedish massage for $30 I decided it was time to get something else done. When I was younger I always heard about how great massages were but was not comfortable enough in my own skin to go get one. I was worried about how I would, feel, and that the whole experience would just be a wash for me. Now, I'm definitely a-okay with my body and figured we should give it a go! I got fit in at 3:15 on Sunday, only 5 days after calling. The woman who answered let me know this was almost impossible and that I'm a very lucky girl.

Sunday morning I spent the day relaxing, watching movies, and hanging out with Leah and her pup. Before it was time to leave I prepared by taking a shower and shaving my legs - one thing less to stress about while a stranger is touching me.

I showed up about 5 minutes earlier and I was glad because I had to fill out a sheet of paperwork. This paper asked for my basic contact information as well as height and weight. I do not lie about my weight anymore, but I will admit I shielded my paper from the eyes of the old man next to me on the couch in the waiting room. Then it moved on to questions like "Do you exercise and how often?" "Have you ever had a massage?" "Do you have any of these following symptoms right now? (headache, sore muscles, etc)" Then mark on the person outline if you have any "problem areas."

I turned in my assignment and we headed back. Piano music with rain noises played in the dimly lit room. The massage therapist looked over my sheet and asked if I had any questions. I told her this was my first massage ever and wasn't sure what to ask. She told me what to expect and then asked if I ever had any sore spots - my shoulders and lower back. She asked if there was anywhere I didn't want massaged. I said no - go big or go home, I thought. Then she left me to undress - underwear optional, bra not.