Thursday, August 27, 2015

Let's Talk About Sex (and Self Esteem)

If you've been reading my blog for a while you know I had sex for the first time at age 20. I don't subscribe to the idea of "losing" your virginity because I don't believe it's something that's lost. Having sex for the first time is either a decision you make, something you're pressure into, or a choice that's taken from you. Now, that being said I wouldn't say I was "virginal" when I was younger. I had my first kiss when I was 14 and explored myself and others from that point on.

When I was younger I was under the impression that if someone wanted to "hook up" with me, that meant they liked me and that I was desirable. I had not the best self esteem but was confident in my ability as a kisser and so I used that to feel wanted. This sometimes led to being called "scandalous" or "promiscuous". (I think you guys know how I feel about slut shaming.) Even in this deluded sense of self I still tried to hide my body during sexual encounters. Let's turn off all the lights, wear most of my clothes, and don't worry about me - let's take care of you! This approach to sex obviously left me very unsatisfied.

When I graduated high school and got out of the small town bubble I started developing my sense of self. I went through many stages of fashion and showing (or hiding) my body. I started going to The Boom (an 18 to enter dance club in the "gay district" of OKC) and saw all different types of people just living. I also met Abigail, my suitemate turned roommate turned bff, who was just always completely herself. I started experimenting more with style and at that point I was just wearing what I wanted. Of course I wanted to feel good and look good, but I don't remember actively trying to "compliment my shape" or anything like that.

After experimenting with fashion and some time I started becoming gradually more comfortable with my body. This journey is ongoing. I started embracing myself instead of hiding. With this came better sexual experiences. I realized that everyone who knows me, who sees me knows I'm fat. These lovers I'm taking know I'm fat. They accepted that before I got naked. They don't expect me to take my clothes off and also drop 20 pounds. This made my experiences more freeing.

I started trying new positions outside of missionary and started enjoying myself more. I started gently explaining to my lovers what I would like, what felt good, what didn't. I laughed as I lifted up my belly while I was on top, trying to get the position right. After, we would discuss how no one looks good in doggy style. I became very comfortable discussing sex when I became comfortable with myself and secure in the knowledge that I am indeed fat. Not only am I fat, but my lover knows I'm fat. I will keep repeating this forever. The person you're with knows what you're going to look like roughly underneath your clothes. If they're wanting to undress you, it's because of you. That mole, that dark hair, that cellulite isn't going to have them throwing your clothes back at you.

Something that helped me become secure in this knowledge, which is more related to self esteem/worth is spending time alone and/or with my lover naked in none sexual ways as well. When I had a room to myself, when Myke is gone now, sometimes when Myke is there I spend time in my room naked. I read, watch tv, just live my normal life. Being naked is something we've been taught to be ashamed about. Being self conscious about our bodies is learned behavior. It takes time to change any habit, including this one. Look at yourself in the mirror, take pictures, touch yourself (again, doesn't have to be sexual). Time will help you be comfortable.

A lot of times people don't even notice what we consider our "flaws" until we point them out - in sexual and not sexual situations. When you are in a passion fueled situation with someone I can almost guarantee that they're not picking you apart piece by piece in their mind. Proof for me of this comes from my own mind during these experiences. I notice the look in my lover's eyes, the way their body feels against mine, how to please them and the pleasure I'm experiencing. I don't notice stubble, extra weight, lost weight, or pimples.

In summation, be patient and kind to yourself, spend time naked, and be honest about how your feeling especially with your partner. Is there any other tips that have helped you become more comfortable in your skin? Share below to help others on their sexual bopo journey!

Until Next Time,
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  1. Lauren, I have just started following you on instagram and that's how I got to read this. I'm going through a hard process of self-healing after being heart broken... The bopo community I've found on instagram has been of a great help for me, and finding this post you wrote a while ago has also been important; specially today that I had a horrible day and can't stop thinking "why can't I be good enough?"
    Thanks for writing this!

    1. I'm so glad you've found me! I'm happy to have you here :)