Monday, November 23, 2015

Myke's Back!

So, Myke D is officially back after being gone for 22 days. If you all remember, in August he left for two weeks and it was the worst. Just kidding, this was worse. I think I forgot to mention, his birthday was 12 days in to us being separated. Also, I couldn't find his present in the hectic packing so... he just got a card from me. The worst.

Now, I know some of you with amazing partners have gone much longer without seeing your (wo)man; however, this is not the life I signed up for. He is a photographer and not for National Geographic. I was sure once we moved in together the longest I would go without seeing him was maybe a weekend. My anxiety and depression were not ready for this blow. The first week he was gone I didn't shower. This is the first time I'm admitting that. I washed my face and my hairdresser washed my hair during the middle of the week when I got it cut, but I didn't wash my body for seven days. When I finally did, I didn't feel any kind of release being clean. It just felt like a thing I was supposed to do. In the following weeks, I have taken better care of myself. If you have any degree of depression you know that sometimes just showing up feels like something that should be applauded.

Now, don't get twisted - it's not like he completes me or I need him to be okay. My depression has always been at high risk when I'm alone. When I lived with my parents and Leah, I had my own room that I could go to and it was the same type of environment for me. When no one's really focused in on the little stuff (like when I showered last) I find myself sinking into the depression. It used to be worse on long weekends or breaks. Also, this isn't like he's gone for three weeks and then everything's back to normal. We're packing up our lives. I'm leaving behind everything I've ever known. He's back for 5 days and then I'm gone too.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, I'm fucking tired of pretending to be okay when I'm not. I've spent too many years (since I was 15 at least) saying "I'm fine" and "it's okay" when it wasn't and I wasn't. I wouldn't be embarrassed to tell you I had a cold, but that I would lie lie lie my feelings. When I first started being honest and transparent about my depression and anxiety, some people told me I was being "over dramatic" or trying to get attention. Then I stopped caring about making other people comfortable. I decided that I didn't need to censor myself or my emotions for others.

Sometimes I just feel heavy. I feel a weight of self doubt and hatred that I can't slough off. I am strong enough and familiar enough now to know it's my mind playing tricks on me. I can tell when the irrational thoughts are taking over. I know I will out on the other side. I know that I am loved and that I am worthy of love. I know this things, but sometimes they're hard to believe. Sometimes it's all I can do to get dressed and leave the house. I push myself very hard to do simple things at times. But some nights I have to just give in when the demons are loud and the clouds are thick.

A few positive things did come out of Myke being gone. Every morning when I woke up, I could turn on every light and play music and just not be considerate. I marathoned a lot of silly girl shows like Maddie & Liv, Girl Meets World, and Young & Hungry. I could stop in the middle of a show and take a shower or a selfie. I could eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, which has been a lot of carbs and sugar. I worked until six a couple times and it was fine 'cause I didn't have anyone to go home to. I've blogged a lot more. I've written a lot more in general. I hung out with my mom every Saturday since he left. I've seen my cousins and my wifey once a week at least.

But I've been cold and unsnuggled with absolutely no way to take a good OOTD picture and I'm so glad to have him back. Now, we move on to packing, cleaning, and moving to Minnesota. The next time I post it will be after Thanksgiving and I will be officially transplanted.

I'll be sending out my first ever newsletter December 1st. Don't miss out on that mess and sign up for email updates every Tuesday HERE.

Until Next Time,
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