Monday, December 14, 2015

Foods I Could Do Without

Matt Bellassai is quickly becoming one of my favorite people on social media. Inspired by one of his latest videos, I decided to also discuss foods that I hate.

First of all, please let's still be friends Matt, but I don't understand beer or wine. "Acquired taste" shouldn't be a thing. If something is gross until you have six of them, I don't want it. The only thing I can get behind so far that's even close to that realm is cider with a shot of Fireball. Usually, even then it's a stretch. Speaking of liquids, flavored water just tastes dirty. It doesn't taste like lemons or oranges, it just tastes like dirty water. And for people who like to call tea that I urge you to drink a lime flavored water. But actually, don't. Why not just drink a delicious Peppermint Mocha frappachino?

Whole wheat pasta is disgusting. People who like it are trying to be healthier and trick themselves into believing it's good. Same for vegetable "pasta" - zucchini is not ziti. Don't try to surprise me with any spaghetti squash either. You can't fool me. Any replacement food is a joke. Mashed cauliflower does not taste like mashed potatoes. Just because something looks like a thing does not make it that thing! And I like cauliflower, but it does not replace the majestic potato.

Cupcakes with icing "filling" are a waste of my time. If I wanted more icing I would take some off the plate of my mashed cauliflower eating friend. I want that cake. The only time I want icing inside of something is a cake ball or a creme filled donut from Dunkin. Not the jelly filled or that disgusting Boston Creme, but the delicious fluffy creme ones. Besides that, get out.

Pho - more like UGH. Do you know about pho? It's a beef broth noodle soup with onions and bean sprouts. It smells and tastes like a foot. It's disgusting and you have to put Sriracha and jalapenos and lime and yuck in it. What are bean sprouts even? They're like not ready, but we still eat them. It's like the veal of vegetables.

Too much meat on things. I do not need pepperoni, sausage, hamburger, Canadian bacon, ham, and bacon on one thing ever especially not if it's pizza. Pizza is about cheese first and foremost. If it's on a sandwich I can handle three meats, tops. Example: Italian BMT from Subway. But if I'm gonna have bacon, I wanna taste that bacon dammit. Don't try to dilute my bacon with your shitty Canadian not-bacon.

Oatmeal is disgusting. It's just lumpy hot mush that kind of tastes like nothing. Mostly it's a texture thing for me. In this same thought we can lump quinoa, grits, and malt-o-meal. I don't want wet sand in my mouth. Why do people want a mouth full of gritty melted concrete? If butter can't fix something I don't need to go there. I can eat fruit and yogurt and whatever else you try to "fix" oatmeal with and just leave out the oatmeal.

I also don't really understand cereal. People who let it get all mushy in the bottom of the bowl - that's yucko. I can eat handfuls of cereal as a snack - Fruity Pebbles, Honey Nut Cheerios, yum. You can even serve that to me with a glass of milk. But don't try to give me that shit in a soggy bowl setup. I don't want my milk turning pink and I'm not sucking it out of the bowl with those gross slurping sounds.

Don't try to defend your favorite food to me, I've already come around to brussel sprouts and sushi. I've tried tons of pizzas with lots of meat on them and they're still sick. What kinds of foods is everyone else always raving out while your stomach turns next to them? Is there something that everyone hates that you just can't get enough of?

Until Next Time,
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1 comment:

  1. Amen to every food you listed! I can't even!!