Thursday, April 14, 2016

Guest Post - Consent

This is a guest post for my series during SAAM 2016. To find out more, visit my intro blog here.
by Anonymous, Female, 27.

In college I had exclusively sexual romantic relationships.  I was horny and no one seemed interested in dating me so mostly I wound up having a lot of casual sexual relationships.

It was my last quarter of college  (February 2010) and I had gone to the tattoo convention with some of my friends and a classmate I didn't know so well. That night we all got drunk and I had sex with the classmate I was unfamiliar with.  Our first sexual encounter was drunken and sloppy, but it was the first time I had ever experienced a "big" orgasm.  Thus, I was super excited to meet up with him again.  

On our second encounter I made sure we went out and bought condoms and made it clear that it was important to me that he wear them when we have sex.  That time he did wear a condom, but wasn't very happy about it. The next few times we had sex he didn't wear one even though I expressed that I wanted him to.  

During the majority of our encounters without any discussion he penetrated me anally. He had a large cock (pringle can dick, as some would call it) so it was super uncomfortable for me.  Pretty much every time he started fucking me in the ass I would say "stop".  He generally did not stop, but slowed down. This didn't seem important to me because it usually alleviated my discomfort. He would frequently tell me to "just breathe".

One evening about a month after we had started our sexual relationship I had picked him up for sex and the plan was for him to spend the night at my place. We were having sex and he was behind me in doggy style. My stomach wasn't feeling super great so when he put his dick in my ass I was absolutely not into it. I said "stop" and he didn't even slow down. I reached back to try and grab his arm or something because I thought maybe he hadn't heard me. At that point he put forearms/elbows on my upper arms and held me down....told me to "breathe"...and sped up. I peed and started crying.  I don't know what happened next. I don't know how long the period of time I don't remember is. 

The next thing I remember is him fingering me while I was in the same position I had been when I blacked out. With my ass still in the air I rotated my torso around and gave him a look... in my mind this look said something like "Really? You think that's going to make it better." When I looked at him he stopped. I went to my bathroom without saying anything. I cried. A lot. After I was done he was already asleep in my bed, on the dry side. I went to sleep in a puddle of my own urine and cried and slept. The next day we drove into school silently.

In the days following I tried to text him because he left his face wash in my bathroom. He didn't answer my texts and skipped the class we had together. I found him at his job (in the school bookshop) 3 days later and gave him his face wash. I said something snarky like "The least you could do is return my texts to get your stupid face wash."

The next week I told my best friend in the area about what happened. She responded by saying it makes her sick to hear that that happened to me. Followed up shortly with something to the effect of "but didn't you say that you were kind of concerned with how rough the sex was. I just don't know why you would keep having sex with him."

In that moment I felt so alone. Sex was such a big part of my identity at this point. Legitimately the sex I had with this boy was some of the best I had ever had. Sure there were parts that were not great but I kept going back because orgasms are awesome and I did not have many people into me. It was nice to be wanted, even if just for sex.

A few months later one of the people I had previously had a casual sexual relationship with came back to town. I figured this was how I could get back on the horse so to speak. We met up to have sex and I told him that it was important to me that he wear a condom. He did wear a condom... but then after a little while he asked "Can I just take the condom off?"  I responded with "What?!? No!"... He did... and kept on fucking me. I disconnected and felt despondent.  

I was so angry. I thought to myself, "This is what they think of you. They think they can just have you. They can treat you however they want. Why do they think that? It's because you're slutty. That's why."  

After this I took a year off dating/sex. During this time I lost most of my friends for a variety of reasons. I tried to focus on focus on strengthening my identity outside of sex. Maybe sex wasn't a thing that was going to happen for me anymore and I needed to find a way to be okay with that.

I started dating again in the summer of 2011. I had a few short term dating relationships that didn't really escalate into anything too serious and that was perfect for me. In December of that year I met an absolutely magical human who put me back together. They asked before they kissed me. They asked before we took any steps sexually. They asked me what I wanted. I felt empowered and safe. I regained a part of myself that I had lost. They taught me about consent culture and feminism and opened my eyes to so many awesome experiences.

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