Thursday, April 28, 2016

My SAAM Story

So far the stories I've been sharing this month for SAAM have been from others. I debated whether or not to share my own as I am still struggling with what they mean to me. So often I was a willing participant, someone who found my self worth and value in others' opinions. At 26, finally at peace with myself and in a loving supportive relationship, I'm not quite sure how to feel about my past experiences with men.

I've told them enough times, but never quite this way. I vehemently told everyone, myself included that I was "fine, I'm fine. I like being casual." I'm still tentative to tell my side of things; worried I might hurt the people from my past. I still want to protect these men that, from my perspective, were only there to use me. I told myself that sexual activity and being naked with someone was not intimate; it was not something that held value to me. I told myself and anyone who would listen that monogamy was a fairytale and making love belonged in Nicholas Sparks novels. My friends told me I deserved better, that I deserved respect and I didn't believe them.

A dear friend of mine said something that really resonated with me: I share my story "hopefully to bring comfort in the knowledge that not everyone goes through their life with perfect sexual history." - That's why I share my stories with you today - so you maybe will find some comfort and not feel so alone. No matter your sexual history, it shouldn't define you. Your sex life is a part of your story, but it does not determine your value or worth of love.

At 14, I was confiding in a friend about my boyfriend and how I wanted to break up with him. It was Valentine's Day. I started crying while I was talking about my feelings. My friend smoothed my hair and shushed me. After a few minutes of broken speech through tears he kissed me. It was my first kiss. I cheated on someone with my first kiss. I didn't tell him how upset it made me because I felt responsible for not pushing him off. My boyfriend broke up with me the next day. Turns out he was thinking about doing it too, but we both felt too guilty to do it on a holiday. I never told him about the kiss.

At 15, I was fingered for the first time on the back of a bus on a school trip. I wasn't ready and he made me bleed. When I went to bathroom after faking an orgasm, I realized he had cut me with his fingernail. I was sore for days afterwards. He told his friends he popped my cherry. I didn't find out until I was 20 that there is no cherry to be popped.

At 18, a friend from high school came to visit me at college. We discussed our newfound freedom. We talked about dating; we were both virgins. He made the same proposition that he had been for the last three years: That we should lose our virginity together. I told him I was nervous my new boyfriend would want to have sex and I wasn't ready. My friend admitted he had sex at 14, but lied to me all these years so that he could be my first.

At 19, my boyfriend bought Lil Wayne's album so I could give him head to the song "Lollipop." I did in the cab of his pick up truck. He snuck me into his house one time, but made me wait down the street until his parents were asleep. He was allowed to have girls over, but didn't want them to meet me. He broke up with me after a few months because I wanted to make out too much.

At 20, I went to my best friend's house to hang out and drink. While I was alone with his sober roommate, he gave me more shots and led me to his room. We didn't kiss, he just unbuttoned his pants. I told him I was starting to feel sick. He said he would "help me"; I found out this meant he would push my head back down when I tried to stop. My friend stormed in and his roommate pushed me off the bed onto the floor. My friend kept yelling about his roommate's girlfriend. I didn't know she existed. I sat outside until someone came to pick me up. I was never invited back to my friend's apartment.

At 20, I gave my virginity to a man I had been dating for three months. He was 28. He cheated on me hours after I went home. He broke up with me via text message during work the next day. I didn't see him face to face until 2 years later where he was with a group of mutual friends. He wouldn't look me in the eyes when I said hello to him.

At 21, through online dating, I met the perfect guy. We talked for weeks before meeting. He told me halfway through our date that he was in a loveless relationship. He planned on breaking up with her soon and wanted to be honest because he really liked me. I told him we could be friends. He walked me to my car and pressed me against the door to kiss me. I left feeling violated. He emailed me every other week for months with status updates on his still intact relationship wanting to know if my feelings had changed.

At 21, I had sex on a teacher's desk. He wasn't my teacher, but a friend from school. It was a porn fantasy fulfilled that I would tell other men about later to make myself feel and seem sexy. The actual encounter was clumsy and awkward.

At 22, I met the most beautiful confident man. We would lay in bed after sex and sometimes talk for hours. He was in a relationship, but cheated on her with lots of other women. She knew, he said. I thought I could be happy as the side chick. After our six month long on again/off again tryst, he moved out of state. He said we couldn't be Facebook friends because he told his fiancée that I was the best head he ever had. He stopped replying to my texts shortly after.

At 24, I decided I was ready for a real relationship. I didn't know what this meant but I was certain I was. I went on a date with a theatre organizer and he asked if I wanted to go to a hotel downtown. I flipped and asked what kind of girl he took me for. He laughed and told me they had a great bar with a live jazz pianist. I felt stupid. The next time I saw him he said he could see a future with me. We had sex in his truck in my driveway. After, he asked if I wanted to go again. Not being satisfied the first go around, I said no. I never saw him again.

At 24, I met the love of my life. That's where confusing sex for love ended. That's a different story.

There are countless women with stories like mine. I could find multitudes of women who have been misled, used, made to feel like an object. So many times I went farther than I wanted to because I felt like I should. I often felt like I couldn't say no or change my mind after clothes were taken off. I was more worried about being labeled a tease than my own mental health. I was more worried about keeping these men's secrets than sharing my truth. I thought it better to be the "fun, sexy Samantha" of the group then to talk to my friends even though inside I felt like I was rotting. I know I'm not alone. Hopefully, you now know too.

1 comment:

  1. I'm very sorry. You are so strong for sharing this. You have an amazing blog

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