Sex is an extremely complex subject to discuss. There are so many different angles you can take on the conversation. This is not my first time writing about sex on this blog and it will not be the last.
Somehow when it comes to sex, there's this idea that women can't be it all. We’re treated as if each individual role should be our entire identity: lawyer, daughter, First Lady, teacher, mother. The same society that makes countdowns until teen girls are “legal” are the same ones criticizing her once she is. In school we teach girls via dress codes that there skin is too distracting for the boys and once she’s in the workplace, you have to find the balance between feminine but not sexy. And if you were once established as a sexual being, it’s hard to be accepted as anything else or seen as anything else.
But the truth is not only are you allowed to be anything, you already are. Since the beginning of time women have been workers, care takers, lovers - all at the same time! We have got to stop treating these roles like they're mutually exclusive.
When I was younger, the only solid value I had in myself was that of a sexual being. I completely fragmented myself. I could kiss. I gave good head. I knew that much. I also placed so much value and worth on my virginity. Not my BODY itself, but specifically my unpenetrated vagina. It was a thing I held high as something I'd managed to hold on to like some wild woman navigating high school and college with all the skill of Tarzan in the jungle. It was the source of my confidence with men that I had this gift I could give them if they were nice enough, good enough, treated me well enough. I did not think of sex as an experience for me. I did not see it as a pleasurable thing for myself beyond what I gained from it (respect, attention, instant gratification, etc). Sex was a tool.
I did not really place any value in myself as a daughter or a student or a person. My crowning achievement in my mind at 19 was how accomplished I was sexually while still maintaining my virginity. My worries focused around men and being desired. I did not place the same value in my school, work, or the relationships I was building.
The days passed and man after man shattered me. I grew weary of being used and the pleasure was fleeting. Men did not stick around to love me in all my fragility after the deed was done. I began to distance myself. As my self worth grew and I began to love myself as a whole and complete person, I found myself shying away from showing my sexual side all together. No longer did my worth reside in my loins so I shunned it completely. In order to be taken serious, I didn't want to do anything that seemed inappropriate or "slutty". The entirety of my worth went from sexual to almost anti-sex. I aggressively rebutted being called sexy and kept myself behind lock and key with my partner holding the key. But the deal is, that's not a real version of myself either. I like doing it, I like talking about it, I like feeling myself and feeling sexy. And the truth is, sexuality is an important part of my life and my relationship.
Once I started looking at sex as not something to gain or lose power/control, but to connect - everything changed. Sexy time is now part of my self care routine. Sometimes that means I'm connecting with my partner, sometimes that means I'm connecting with myself. You don't have to be in a relationship to feel turned on and your relationship status should not hinder you from having leg shaking orgasms. The feeling of being comfortable in your skin and deriving pleasure from your touch is something that should be universal and without shame.
Learning a different way to relate to sex, my relationship with my sexuality has become stable again. I’ve learned that sexuality doesn't need to be some deep dark hidden segregated portion of ourselves. Sex is not only normal, but a necessary part of our lives. Now I see my sexuality as another aspect of myself as a whole being, as opposed to something to trot out when needed or hide when inappropriate. I'm allowing myself to be a complete person. I am a woman, friend, partner, co-worker, daughter, activist, lover, explorer, writer, dog enthusiast, bargain hunter. I’m just me.
Sex is a very personal and important part of the fabric of our lives. Desires are varied and as long as they are consensual legal acts, no one should feel entitled to judge based on that information. I believe if we were more sex positive as a whole we would have a lot more young people out there changing the world. If we freely and openly shared information about sex without shame then there would less time spent hiding and covering up the fact that we have it, that we want it. We could ask questions and get answers and move on. If women didn’t have to constantly defend their choice to be sexy or not, they could be having discussions that could change the fabric of our existence. If young girls knew that having sex was not the most important experience of your life maybe they’d spend more time travelling, reading, discovering, playing, creating. Maybe this will be the post that reaches someone and helps them understand their worth is beyond what we can assess psychically. Maybe. Can't hurt to put the good vibes out there.
Until Next Time,
- Shout out to my mom who never made me feel like sex was a taboo subject and even drew diagrams for me. Shout out to my best friend Rachael that talked to me about sex for the first time around the corner from the basketball court in 7th grade. Shout out to my gang for NEVER judging my sexual activity no matter how many unwanted details I loved to share during my single days. Shout out to all the sex workers that are shamed on the daily. Shout out to the women walking down the street being called slut and whore in full winter gear because they didn't say "hello". Shout out to sexually abused humans struggling to regain the feeling of safety in such a vulnerable setting. Shout out to women struggling to feel comfortable in their bodies sexually because they're disabled, fat, transgender, recovering. Shout out to the young girls like me that place too much value on their sexuality, you are so much more. Shout out to the asexual women that are shamed for not desiring sex. Shout out to the very sexual women that are shamed for wanting sex. Shout out to women every where. -
