Living While Fat

I've spent the last 15 months in quarantine thanks to having a job that was rendered obsolete due to Covid-19. Away from the eyes of everyone with no reason to leave my house and every reason to save every penny, I found a spent a lot of time not thinking about my body. I rediscovered my love of reading which was also aided in my not caring what other people think because there was no one around to impress. (Yes, Myke was around all the time; no, I never have to try around him.) One of the books I read that really spoke to me was Roxane Gay's Hunger.* A lot of what she expressed I could find myself talking about in my journal, conversations with my people, even random thoughts in my notes app or Instagram story. I paired some of the quotes that really stood out to me along with these random notes I had taken over the course of the last little while and decided to call it "living while fat". Something else I rediscovered in quarantine and was able to devote more time to was deep thoughts, conversations... I am once again a mermaid afraid of shallow waters. So, insert the blog again. Here I am throwing out my tentacles, all the metaphors, and hoping for some sort of connection. If nothing else, I guess a way to keep my typing skills up.

Living While Fat 1

“And of course, there is the performance of trying to get to my “actual” weight by kicking off my shoes and wishing I could take off all my clothes, cut off my hair, have my vital organs and skeleton removed.” - Roxane Gay, Hunger 

I get on the scale for the first time in our new place. I want to know and I can handle it. It’s been over six months since I weighed myself, I only half know what to expect. It’s less than I thought. So, I don't believe it. I get on the scale multiple times a day in the following week, in multiple different ways. First thing in the morning, after the restroom, after moving my body on purpose, before I eat, without shoes, without clothes, not after the shower when my hairs wet, don’t hold your phone, only when I can handle it mentally.

It’s something I ask myself before I step on the scale every time : what’re you expecting the weight to be? If it’s over that number, can you handle it? Truly sometimes the answer is no and if I remember, I walk away. Sometimes I "hide" the scale in a drawer because if I can't see it I don't think about it. 

*Roxane Gay has changed since she wrote this memoir as a person is allowed to do. She was afraid to share her new story because she thought people would be "disappointed" in her. I am not. Her life does not affect mine. I still feel very seen by her words in Hunger. A more recent written piece of hers that speaks I think wonderfully to her life now can be found here.


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